I can see clearly
by oldmule
Summary: Post 9.8 again!  Harry is lost and now it's time for Ruth to save him.
1. Chapter 1

**Kudos are king and own all. Starting angsty but would imagine it may not end like that! **

Ruth could see more clearly than she had for a very long time. And yet.

Cyprus was a lifetime ago. Another lifetime that happened to another person. George was a sweet man, whom she was never in love with. Nico she had treasured. They were gone, memories only.

She was fine, well, fine if fine was flat, empty and muted.

Until now. Now the void kept been overwhelmed with feeling. As she pumped bullets into the Frenchman's chest, she felt; as she cried over Lucas's death and Harry's survival, she felt; as she was told by Beth that Harry had given up Albany for her, she felt; and that day in the churchyard, as he had said the words she had so often wanted to hear in the past and so least expected in the present, she had felt; felt so much, before she had stamped down hard on her own heart.

She had tried to pick her relationship with Harry apart, had tried, as she always had, out of habit, to analyse the bones out of it, but what Lucas had said never really left her head. She loved him and it was no more complicated than that, even if she tried not to, even if she felt she didn't deserve to, it was just the way it was. So why struggle against it. Why had she ever struggled against it? It was so simple that it seemed everyone could see it bar her. So simple. And yet.

And yet.

There was Albany.

* * *

Harry ended the call from the HS and stood looking at the skyline. He felt flat, empty, muted. He had lost Lucas, the respect of his team and even his job, in all probability. He wondered if he could add Ruth to that list, could he really say he'd lost her when he was not sure he'd ever had her to lose in the first place. She looked at him now with unforgiving eyes. She had acknowledged he loved her but yet judged that love not commendable but wrong. She was alive at the cost of so, so many others, the mathematics didn't add up. Ruth didn't like things not to add up.

Harry rested his head in his hands and closed his eyes. He had wanted to tell them for two days now that Albany was a fake but he was under strict instruction that though it was gone, the lie was to be maintained.

* * *

She stood by the door to the roof and looked at the back of the hunched figure by the rail. He didn't move. She turned away back into the warmth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry they're short but I meant to be doing something else!**

Harry walked back onto the Grid and crossed to his office. He said nothing. He was still wearing his coat. He picked up a pen from his desk and a folder from his drawer and put them into his briefcase, it was a not a lot to take with you after thirty years of service. He stepped to the door.

There was Ruth. Neither spoke for a moment.

"Best get off, things to do" he lied.

She had no idea what he was about to do but asked simply and quietly,

"How are you going to be able to live with yourself, Harry?"

He looked to the floor.

"All those lives," she couldn't begin to comprehend the consequences of the use of Albany.

He said nothing but eventually looked up and met her eyes.

"Don't judge me."

"I don't want to, but I thought I knew you and this is something you would never do."

"You know me better than anyone ever will, Ruth."

"So, how could you do this?"

"Let me go"

"No" she blocked his way.

"There are things, things you don't understand…" he could say no more.

"Help me understand."

He looked at her and smiled sadly. Then he leant forward and kissed her delicately on the cheek. "I'm sorry. Goodbye, Ruth." And he moved passed her and through the door.

"Harry?"

He didn't turn to look at her but just said quietly "I never said it, but I love you, Ruth." Then he walked away.

"Where are you going?'

"Home."

"Night, Harry," said Tariq as he crossed the grid, "see you tomorrow."

Harry smiled sadly. "Goodbye, Tariq."

Ruth felt suddenly very cold.

The pod doors closed. Harry was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ruth, Home Secretary, direct line for you." Beth shouted, phone in hand.

Ruth was stood, fixed, still looking at the pod doors.

"Ruth!"

"Not now." Ruth said as she walked out.

* * *

"Harry, stop."

He was putting his briefcase on the backseat of the car. He didn't look at her, he didn't stop what he was doing.

"Harry, please?"

He opened the driver's door and was about to get in when she reached him, pushing against the other side of the door to prevent him getting any further.

"You've been suspended?"

"I'm a traitor, Ruth. What did you expect, a peerage?" He was sad and lifeless, she wished him bitter and angry. He wouldn't look at her.

"There's something you're not telling me."

"Please move, Ruth."

"What is it, Harry. Tell me."

"Let it go," he snapped.

She didn't react.

He looked at her softly now and whispered, "Let me go."

"I can't" and it was true, she couldn't.

"I gave away a national secret, Ruth. I knew there would be consequences and these are they. It's not going to go away and you can't help me, even if you wanted to."

"But I do, I do want to help you."

"You say that, now in the heat of the moment but you'll just keep looking at me and thinking about what Albany can do. I know you too, Ruth and you won't be able to ever get past that."

She hesitated. She didn't want him to be right, but he was.

There was a long moment between them.

"What will you do?" she said feeling her eyes prick with tears.

"The inquiry will take a few weeks, no doubt, after that I don't know. Maybe travel." As he said it he remembered their dinner conversation of so long ago. So did she. They both looked at each other, neither speaking.

"Please, Ruth, go now."

She didn't move.

"Please, I can't do…this, anymore," he was truly struggling.

She reached out a hand to his cheek, she had never seen him like this before.

He dug his nails into the palm of his hand, clenched his jaw and fought against the tears that wanted to fall, the tears for Lucas, for himself, for Graham, for the nothingness his life was about to come.

His hand reached up and grabbed hers, dragging it away from his face.

"Stop. Please, Ruth…. I can't…Just..stop." And then he pushed heavily against the door, thrusting her out of the way, getting in and starting the engine without once looking at her. She put her hand to the window of the car. He drove away.

She stood and cried.


	4. Chapter 4

"Yes, Home Secretary."

"Ruth, Harry has been suspended, as I'm sure you know, pending an inquiry. I would like you to look after things at Section D until we can bring in a replacement."

A replacement. Ruth looked at Harry's empty office.

"Hello?"

"Yes. Fine."

"You may have to appear before the inquiry, Ruth."

"Yes, fine."

"Right, well, thank you. These are trying times."

"Is there anything else I need to know, Home Secretary?"

"No, I don't believe so."

She put the phone down slowly. "I beg to differ," she whispered to herself, walked to her desk and turned to her computer. "We'll see."

* * *

Harry sat in an empty house. He knew he was wallowing. He knew he was feeling sorry for himself. He knew he should pull himself out of it, but he just didn't have the energy or inclination. For once wallowing was fine. For once there was no one around for him to have to put a brave face on. There wouldn't be again.

* * *

"Got you!" said Ruth. She had just found a trail of Chinese coms re Albany, it was just a trace but it was something.

"What's up, Evershed?" said Dimiti.

"Don't know yet" her head was reburied in the computer and he left her to it.

Thirty minutes later, had he been looking, Dimitri would have seen the concentration fall from her face and the relief spread across it like the sun.

"Meeting room, now." She said and marched off, the rest trailing curiously behind.

"Albany is bollocks!" Said Ruth.

The team looked aghast on two counts. Firstly, she rarely swore and secondly, Albany was bollocks!

"It doesn't work, it never did."

"But..." Tariq couldn't get the words out.

"It was just a deterrent." Ruth felt triumphant.

Their relief was palpable.

"So, Harry's been drawn over the coals for a useless piece of software?"

Ruth nodded.

"They're just using it as an excuse to get rid." Alec said knowing very much how that felt.

"Why didn't he tell us?" asked Beth.

"The Chinese insist on saving face and keeping up the lie, the HS has agreed to it, there's a big trade deal going through in the next few months and he wants to keep them onside. I think all this has come from him." Ruth had found traces of the coms between Beijing and Downing Street.

"The bastard", said Dimitri.

"And Harry couldn't tell us", it was making much more sense to Beth.

"No," Ruth said softly, "he couldn't, he wouldn't tell us, even though I know he wanted to." She thought of his face and for a moment wanted to cry again.

"Wonder what he's doing now?" Tariq said thoughtfully.

"Getting drunk and feeling sorry for himself."

They all looked at Alec as he said it, he should know.

"Right, well, time we did something about it. Any ideas, Ruth?"

"Oh, yes", she said, "I've also found out something else today" she smiled now as she explained what she needed them to do.

* * *

Harry's head was not good. Too much Scotch the night before and indeed the night before that. He needed a shower and his neck hurt from sleeping in the chair. He rubbed his face and tried to remember the last time he hadn't shaved for three days. He knew he couldn't go on like this but for the moment it would do him fine. He didn't miss having to shave, having to look at his watch, having to wear a tie, having to be pleasant to the HS. He just missed Ruth.

* * *

"Got it, Ruth."

"Thanks Dimitri, let Alec know and get the photos to Tariq, now."

"What you going to do?"

"Me," smiled Ruth, "I'm going to make an appointment to see the Home Secretary."

* * *

Harry had a glass in his hand, he was listening to some music, it suited his mood.

He was content to sit and torture himself further. He had lost himself in a daydream, back in the churchyard, with Ruth. He was finding all the right words to tell her how intensely he felt about her, to build up to proposing to her, to wooing her, he smiled at the word. She was telling him how she had wanted to say yes a thousand times over.

"And what's the answer this time, Ruth?", he was whispering

"You think I could possibly change my mind on the thousand and first time of asking, not likely Harry" and she was reaching up and kissing him and he was holding her for the first time and never wanting to let go, finally knowing what it felt like to have her pressed to him, knowing how good she felt to him, how perfectly she fitted to him, knowing now how happy they could be. He opened his eyes, the light had fallen, his glass was empty again. He sighed and wanted to return to that other life, the one in his head.


	5. Chapter 5

**Go, Ruth!**

"Ruth, how lovely to see you, please sit down."

She did.

"Well, I must say it's considerably more pleasant looking at you than having to gaze across the desk at Harry's usual sour expression."

She smiled but wanted to spit.

"Of course, despite that, we do all miss him, terribly. Such a shame. And of course, we know that no blame can be lain at your door."

She nodded and gripped the envelope in her hand.

"The inquiry will probably have to explore Harry's feelings towards you but as I understand it they were not in any way reciprocated and his interest was sadly the blind fantasy of an older man for a younger colleague, something we all have to beware of", he laughed at his own self deprecation.

Ironic. She laughed with him.

"You seem very well informed Home Secretary" she finally said.

"Well, one likes to keep abreast." He smiled that same sleazy smile.

"Unfortunately, your intelligence is a little lacking", she rather relished the double edged comment.

"How so?" he didn't get it.

"Harry should never be doubted or underestimated Home Secretary, and for that fact, neither should I."

He said nothing and waited for further explanation.

"He always acts honourably and for the good of this country. He bargained an out dated deterrent for the life of one of his own."

"Deterrent?" Said the HS, wondering how she knew Albany's true status.

"Yes, deterrent. A useless piece of software."

"Well done, Ruth, you are indeed as formidable as I've been told."

"Oh, you have no idea", she said.

* * *

Harry was in Paris. He was sat in a café, the air was chill but the sky was cloudless. He felt content. He felt more content than he could ever remember. The woman opposite smiled and he leant forward and stroked her hand. She healed him. She completed him.

He turned from the window and refilled his glass. He'd have to go out soon, he was nearly out of whiskey and he needed it for moments like these when he slipped from his fantasies to the bitter reality that was here and now.

* * *

"So, Albany doesn't work, but it was still a national secret and Harry gave it away.

Worse still, he gave it away because he had some sad fixation on a younger woman. It still doesn't look good for him, Ruth" and he laughed.

"You are underestimating him again, Home Secretary."

"Am I?" It was rhetorical.

"You are. He 'gave it away' as you say, not for a fixation but for love, though if you're asking me I think he would have tried to save the life of any of his officers had they been in my position."

The Home Secretary chuckled once more.

"It gets better, Ruth, he thinks he's in love, does he?"

"No, sir, he doesn't think it. He _is_ in love and if you think it's not reciprocated then you're very, very wrong. "

The HS had stopped chuckling.

"I've given up everything for him once and I would again."

"Well, well, that's very interesting but I'm afraid all you've said only continues to harm his case, not help it and it will make it almost impossible for you to continue in your current role as well, I would think."

"Oh, I don't think so."

She lifted the envelope from her lap and slid it across the desk to him.

"You see, Home Secretary, what's going to happen is that you will reinstate Harry, with immediate effect, cease the inquiry into Albany and leave Section D, including Harry and I, alone."

"Oh, really?" he smiled at her as he pulled out the documents from the envelope.

"Yes, really" she said enjoying as she watched his face go through several levels of colour change until she concluded that he probably had very little blood running through his head.

"The payments you've been receiving from the Chinese are all there. We've moved a few into your British accounts just to make everything a little more transparent. We appreciate how much the Government rate transparency in their politicians. The photos of you, I admit are somewhat falsified, but you will never be able to prove it and once the press get hold of them it won't matter. The girl is _very_ young, far too young for you to be doing that with, but hey, in my opinion there's nothing wrong with the older man."

She stood up.

"Thank you for seeing me, Home Secretary. May I tell Harry he is expected back at work on Monday?"

There was a long moment before the HS could take his horrified eyes away from the evidence before him.

"Indeed you may, Ruth." He said it very quietly.

Ruth walked to the door and paused.

"Goodbye, Home Secretary, it's been…nice".

She turned and left.

**That conversation to come...**


	6. Chapter 6

"Go away."

The knock came again. It had become persistent and impatient and it was rousing him from the world of his imagination.

"Harry, open the door."

"Ruth?"

"Bloody hell, Harry, it's cold out here. Please open the door."

Was she fresh from his head, was it real or was he still lost elsewhere.

"I don't know what you're playing at Harry, but I will call for CO19 in a minute, so if you don't want a new door and windows I'd unlock now."

He slowly made his way to the door and placed one palm against it almost trying to feel her through the wood that stood between them.

"Ruth, is that you?'

"Good guess, now open the bloody door!"

"I can't….. I can't see you,.. I can't talk to you anymore, Ruth. The inquiry", he finally said lamely.

"Harry", she knew he was close now, she could feel him, "that's what I need to talk to you about, it's all going to be okay. Now, please, I'm begging you, open the door. If you don't want to find me frozen to death out here in the morning open the door, because I promise you that I'm going nowhere until you let me in."

The door was released from the catch, but remained only slightly ajar. She pushed at it gently. The hallway was empty, he had retreated back inside.

It was dark, the only light in the room came from the street light glowing through the windows. She could see his figure slumped on the sofa, head in hands much as she had seen him as he stood on the roof of Thames House and she had failed to go to him. Not this time.

She turned on a small side light and turned back to him. The room was unkempt, much like it's owner. He was still hiding his face from her. She was sure he was in the same clothes he was wearing when he had left the grid only now he had bare feet, no tie and sleeves rolled up. On the chair to her left there was a blanket, by it's side several empty bottles of whiskey and a single small plate that looked like it had only seen some toast at best.

"Harry, look at me."

He didn't move.

"Harry?"

His hands remained where they were and she could see him almost imperceptibly shake his head.

"You need to go, Ruth. I'm in no fit state, please go."

"Are you sober, Harry?"

"No"

"I need you to be sober so that you can listen to what I have to say."

"I wouldn't hold your breath, Ruth, there's not much chance of that any time soon."

His words were slightly slurred but she didn't think he was too bad. He probably needed food and sleep as much as anything else.

"Harry…"

"Ruth, I'm sorry but I don't want you to be here. You can't help me at the moment"

"I can, Harry, if you'll let me"

"I don't want you.." he stumbled over his words and his voice was sounding ever more emotional.

"You don't want me." Ruth repeated, she wasn't going to doubt herself, or him. Not this time.

"I don't want you to… see me.. like this." He muttered into his hands.

"Well, tough, because I'm staying, Harry. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at me."

Again he didn't move.

"Ruth, please", he pleaded.

Ok, so the tough love plan wasn't quite working. She slowly crossed and knelt before him. His elbows were still resting on his knees and his face was still buried in his hands.

"Harry, I can't do this without you" she whispered and gently, oh so gently, took his hands and encouraged them down keeping them in hers. His head was still bowed and in the shadows.

"Harry."

After several moments he slowly lifted his chin, but he avoided her eyes.

She truly had never seen him like this. He was unshaven, his eyes were red and bloodshot and he looked like he hadn't slept for days.

"Harry. Everything is going to be okay. You must believe me."

He shook his head.

"I know all about Albany."

Now he looked at her.

"I know you did the right thing" she whispered.

He held her gaze for a moment and she could see him gulp down the emotion. His eyes turned to the floor and she felt a tear fall onto her hand. She wanted to cry with him, for him, for the wasted time the two of them had lost but she knew now it was her time to be strong, it was her time to see clearly.

"Harry. I'm going to put the kettle on and make us something to eat and I need you to go upstairs and have a shower and a shave."

He didn't move.

"Please, Harry, I can't kiss you with all that stubble, now can I?"

That worked.

He looked at her and she saw the hope in his eyes, the need in his eyes.

"Go on. Off you go" and she stood up, still holding his hands and pulled him from the sofa.

He looked down and suddenly seemed totally aware of his shabby appearance.

"I'm sorry, Ruth"

"Stop apologising and get gone!" She was firm now.

He nodded and moved to the stairs.

"Harry'" he paused, "it's good to see you."

He smiled slightly and resumed his slow plod upstairs.

"Even if you look a bugger." She called as she turned for the kitchen smiling.

"Ruth?"

"Yes, Harry"

"Are you real?"

"Yes, I'm real and I'm not going anywhere."

**More to come.**


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey, is that Harry Pearce?" she said as he came down the stairs looking considerably more like himself. It wasn't the suited and booted Harry she was used to, but an altogether more casual version in jeans and a loose, open necked blue shirt.

"I think so," he said with a slightly embarrassed and lopsided smile, "Will I do, now?"

She was sorely tempted to reach out and stroke his newly smooth, shaved skin. "Yes, Harry, you'll do. Now sit down and eat something."

They ate in near silence. It was not uncomfortable and she wanted to give him time and space.

She took the plates away and brought him a cup of tea as he sat back on the sofa.

"Feeling a bit more human, yet?" she smiled warmly.

"Ruth, you really shouldn't be here. I know you know Albany wasn't real but there's still the inquiry…"

"No Harry, there's no inquiry, not anymore."

He looked at her, confused.

"But, I don't under…"

"Do you trust me, Harry"" She interrupted.

"Implicitly."

"Then tell me what you want."

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. He wasn't really sure what she was asking him and she knew it.

"Ok, forget the inquiry, forget Albany, forget all the trouble you're in. Pretend none of that had happened."

He nodded.

"Now, tell me what you want."

"I want to go back to work."

"Anything else?"

"I want…to sleep."

"I can see that."

"I want the team to not look at me like I'd disappointed them, betrayed their trust."

"They will. They do, Harry."

"I….I want to believe Lucas was still a good man."

"I think the part we knew for many years was."

A pause.

"Anything else?"

He looked away.

"Anything else at all? Whatever it is?"

He hesitated.

"Harry?"

"I want you to look at me like you used to..before..before Cotterdam" he said and finally dared to look her in the eye.

"I'm not sure I can quite do that, I'm not the same person and neither are you."

She'd had lost his brown eyes, they were cast down again.

"Anything else, Harry?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Enough now."

"There must be something else you want?"

"No. Nothing."

"You want nothing more?"

"NO! "

"Nothing you want….from me?"

"NO!"

"Are you sure? You must want something, Harry?"

"I want you, Ruth!" he shouted it at her and then realising what he had done, what he'd said, he dropped his head back to the safety of his hands and muttered "I want you, I've only ever wanted you."

She resumed her knelt position on the floor before him. She took his hands once more and coaxed them from his face, kissing his palms.

"Harry, do you know why I'm here?"

He shook his head.

"I'm here because I can see clearly now. I can see so clearly that I can't understand how I couldn't see it before."

"I don't want to see clearly, Ruth, so please just pass me the whiskey and go."

"I can do that, Harry, if you want me to," he nodded, "or I can stay here and make you believe how much I love you."

She felt, rather than heard him catch his breath.

"Which would you prefer?"

"You're full of questions tonight, Ruth"

"Actually, I'm full of answers, if you'd only listen."

"So about the whiskey?" he said and finally she saw the glimmer of a spark in his eyes.

"Is that your choice, Harry?"

"I was going to say that I think I've had enough for tonight."

"I see," she said and tried not to smile.

"So, how do you love me, Ruth? Like a friend, a boss or a colleague?"

"No, I love you like a woman loves a man, I love you like you are the greatest and best part of me, I love you like I've never loved anyone else. Is that enough for you, Harry?"

He was fixed upon her and he did not move, didn't dare to speak, in fact he doubted if he was truly sober.

"You don't believe me, but one day you might and when you do you might ask me to marry you again and then I'd…."

"Marry me, Ruth?"

She laughed and the hope in his face stalled.

"I would love to marry you, Harry Pearce."

He still didn't move.

"But the inquiry and Albany and they won't let us be together."

"They can't stop us", she stroked his face.

"But the Home Secretary…."

"Is on our side,"

He still didn't move.

"In fact, he's now your biggest fan." Ruth was smiling, "there's no more inquiry and you're expected back at work on Monday and as for us, well, our relationship is none of their concern. They can't touch us."

"How?"

"Let's just say the HS's private life is not quite as transparent and pure as he'd like people to believe."

"Ruth, you're blackmailing the Home Secretary?"

"No. The deal is done. I _have _blackmailed the Home Secretary."

And now he laughed and it was truly like music to her ears.

"I love your laugh" she said simply.

"I love you," he said and stopped laughing. "I've never said it out loud before. I love you, Ruth. Marry me. Marry me because I love you."

She smiled "I think that whiskey's gone to your ears. I've already said yes."

"Say it again"

"Yes, Harry I'll marry you."

"Say it again"

"Yes, Harry, yes."

He started kissing her. It was worth the wait. My god, it was worth the wait.

"Oh yes." she gasped.

**Pos Epilogue to come.**


	8. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

"Morning Home Secretary." Harry smiled.

"Harry, good to see you back." Towers held out his hand, 'oh, he's good' thought Harry.

"Thanks for dropping by, I know you'll be keen to get back to work this morning."

"Indeed, I will."

"Well, that was it really, sorry for dragging you over here, I just wanted to say welcome back."

"Very good of you. I'll get back to it then, safety of the realm and all that."

Harry crossed towards the door.

"How's Ruth?" the question stopped Harry in his tracks, he hadn't expected it.

"She's amazing," said Harry.

"Yes, I believe she is" added the HS.

'And you'll never know how much', thought Harry as he turned away.

* * *

The pod doors opened and there he was. He breathed in the air and looked to her desk, it was empty. Beth rushed over and unexpectedly hugged him. Dimitri came over and shook his hand with a genuine enthusiasm.

"You still here?" said Harry to Alec.

"Some fool, promised me three months work"

"Madness," said Harry shaking his head.

"I've got those phone records" shouted Tariq as he walked in "Oh, hello Harry, good to have you back."

"Good to be back, Tariq."

They were all smiling when Ruth walked in.

"Hello, Harry," she said

"Hello, Ruth."

"Been to see the Home Secretary, then?"

"Indeed I have"

"How was he?"

"Sends his love, Ruth," he smiled and crossed to his office, calling back over his shoulder, "Oh and how about a fortnight on Saturday?"

"For what?" she shouted after him.

"You're wedding day." He grinned and entered his office without waiting for the reply.

**Hope you all enjoyed**


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